ESL Teaching and Learning Tips
Great question. Article writing is difficult, isn't it?
I am a communication guy, not necessarily a grammar guy. Language Arts is the meeting point between the two, and that's the sticky point between you and your workmate.
You're right in thinking there is conflict in the sentence, and also right in identifying the conflict. Mostly, the question is how to fix it.
Probably the best piece of advice I've ever received in sentence construction was if I couldn't make a sentence work, look to see if it is too long. Often sentences need to be broken into two or even three shorter sentences. We have a tendency to do this naturally when we speak, but not when we write. (Hence the reason legal and technical documents are usually boring and difficult to read!) You started to do this by shortening the sentence a bit, but you need to take it one step further by spltting the remaining sentence into two.
You could do this with changing the wording and punctuation a bit, but it would flow better and be easier to understand for the reader if the paragragh were in three sentences total. And splitting it between opponents and proponents like you identified would be the best way.
You also need to decide if you intend to give your personal opinion, or to offer a statement reflecting the contemporary tendency or value of teaching a specific subject in school. In the first paragraph, the message stays impersonal, whereas in your paragraph you personalize the message by giving your own opinion. Does this stay in context with the jist of the article?
Try it again by making the paragragh three sentences total. You've already introduced the paragragh well with your first sentence. Now continue with youths and education in the next sentence, and families and society in the last. I think you'll find it to have been easier to write and for others to read when you're done with it.
Messages In This Thread
- Sentence Coherence Confusion -- Xu Yuliang
- Re: Sentence Coherence Confusion -- Dr. Yanni Zack- ESL Teaching Tips and St
- Re: Sentence Coherence Confusion -- fish4esl
- Re: Sentence Coherence Confusion -- Dr. Yanni Zack- ESL Teaching Tips and St