Ellie’s Diary #1 - The Future Tense

You know what the great thing about teaching English is? You meet so many interesting people. Just last week I met a lady called Lucretia. She’s really old and wears a long black dress and a pointed black hat. And she lives in a cave.

A cave can get quite cold, especially in the evening, so Lucretia keeps a fire burning all the time. The fire is also useful for heating up a big metal pot called a cauldron.

When I arrived Lucretia was chopping up frogs and toads and tossing them into the cauldron. At first she didn’t notice me. Then I trod on the cat. I felt awful. The poor thing only has one eye and one of its legs is missing.

Anyway, the cat screeched and Lucretia looked up and saw me. She was so embarrassed. She tried to hide the blood-stained knife but I told her, “don’t worry. I’m an English teacher. I’m not easily shocked.”

Lucretia took a small, glass ball from her pocket. “You are Ellie, and you are here to teach me the future tense,” she said. “Yes,” I said, “you sent me an email.”

Lucretia stared into her crystal ball, “I see a tall man with a long throat. He picks up a fish. The fish is alive. It’s struggling, fighting. The man opens his mouth. He drops the fish into his mouth and swallows it whole.” Lucretia paused and then said, “You must not teach this man English.”

I was stunned. Shocked. Lucretia was talking about my student Rafael. How did she know he swallowed fish for a living? And why would she tell me not to teach him English?

*****

Ellie’s Diary #2 - The Street Performer

Rafael is a street performer. Some street performers sing. Others dance. Some even sing and dance. Rafael swallows fish. Whole fish. Living, wriggling fish. He swallows them down and then throws them back up, still alive.

Rafael discovered this amazing ability when he was a child. His parents had a tropical fish tank in the living room and Rafael was fascinated by all the brightly colored fish. He spent hours with his nose pressed against the glass, watching them.

Then one day, on an impulse, he reached into the tank, grabbed a small blue fish and swallowed it. He could feel it wriggling around in his stomach, still alive. He felt a bit sick. A little dizzy. He vomited and the fish jumped out of his stomach, into his mouth and back into the tank. Fortunately, his parents didn’t see him or he would have been in big, big trouble.

Rafael practiced in the middle of the night. When his parents were asleep he sneaked downstairs and went to the fish tank. At first he only swallowed small fish. But as he became more confident he began to swallow bigger and bigger fish.

Now he can swallow a fully grown salmon or cod, keep it in his stomach for sixty seconds and then regurgitate it, whole, alive and wriggling. It’s quite incredible to watch. The audience always cheers and claps and gasps when Rafael opens his mouth and pulls out a big, squirming fish.

I don’t understand why Lucretia told me not to teach Rafael English. He always pays on time and never swallows fish during the lessons. Just as I was leaving her cave she said, “if you must teach the fish swallower do not wear sandals.” I wonder what she meant?

I have a lesson with Rafael tomorrow. I’ll tell you all about it next week.

*****

Ellie’s Diary #3 – Wellington Boots

Rafael keeps his fish in a big tank in his bedroom. The tank is so big that there’s no room for a bed so he sleeps on the sofa in the living room. When I arrived, at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, Rafael was still wearing his pajamas, his favorite pajamas, the ones with blue and white stripes and pictures of grinning dolphins.

He said he’d had a late night. He’d been performing in a club until 3am. “It was a good night,” he said, “the audience loved me.”

Apparently, when he swallowed the cod some people in the audience were so excited they took out their guns and fired shots into the air. When the cod leapt back out of his mouth and into his hand they became even more excited. So excited they began shooting each other.

At the end of Rafael’s act four dead bodies were put into plastic bags and carried out. Ten people were taken to hospital.

“Who are these people?” I asked Rafael, “and why do they have guns?”

“They’re gangsters,” Rafael told me, “mafia. They shoot people for a living.”

As Rafael told me this I remembered Lucretia’s warning, “if you must teach the fish swallower, do not wear sandals.” I looked down at my feet. Sandals. Blue leather. Really rather pretty. I have nice toes, I think.

I felt Rafael’s arm around my shoulder. “Come and look at my fish,” he said, “the cod is really enormous.”

Rafael lead me into the bedroom. “Do you want to see me swallow the cod?” he asked.

Before I could answer he picked up the fish and dropped it into his mouth. I knew something was wrong straight away. He smiled for just a moment. Then his throat became much wider than usual. And his face turned blue. He waved his arms around wildly. Finally he fell over, onto the fish tank. The glass smashed, water went everywhere, fish flapped frantically.

Lucretia had been right. I shouldn’t have worn sandals. I should have worn Wellington boots.

*****

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