Here's the absolute, no-fail way to win every power struggle with every kid every time: Don't struggle for power. Think about it. The minute an adult wrestles with a kid for power, they've immediately lost. And, the younger the child, the more true that statement becomes. To give you an image, you want to take your "sails" out of their wind, so to speak. Here are some specific tips and tricks to use instead of getting caught up in the "Yes, you will"-"No, I won't" battles when everybody loses.

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*** It's Fun to Torture Adults: For many youngsters,

it can seem like sport to "trap" an adult in a power

struggle. What better way to get out of doing what

you are supposed to be doing than to debate it? For

example, if you run a counseling group, you may notice

that it seems impossible to get some youngsters to

come to group on time. Instead of taking group time

to debate if "the bus was late" is a satisfactory

excuse, turn it over to the group. The group may

decide, for example, to have the latecomer clean

up after the group is over, a natural consequence of

inconveniencing the group members. Notice the issue

switches from being an adult-kid issue to a

kid-to-kid issue. Once your group has set a

standard policy, never waste time debating again.

*** BONUS TIP: Set an on-going limit on how long

you'll discuss compliance issues. Your youngsters

will know that they have only a brief time frame,

and that this time can not be during group or class

time, but on their own time.

*** Meet the Bickersons: Teach kids about the "bicker-

backs", when people get into a griping match. Teach

them how to spot the "bickers" and to stop the

"backs". They'll learn that you won't bickerback and

will give up attempting to bicker with you. This

is a great device to give to families.

*** BONUS TIP: Teach kids "Ask once, you're assertive,

ask thrice, you're aggressive." This saying can

become a common comment that youth use with each

other, relieving you of some of the chore of

confronting coercive behavior.

*** When Do You Let Them Have It?: We got that

question recently in our workshop from a teacher who

wanted to know a "really good put-down" to stop the

bickering and clowning. This question was easy. You

don't ever "let them have it." There is never a

circumstance when it is okay to demean a child.

Channel the child instead. For example, working

with a class clown can be a battle as the child

debates whether comments were "appropriate" or

not. A fun approach is to ask the class clown to

morph the comment for different audiences, such as

for the boss on the job you really want. You are

assisting the child to gain skill in adapting

content to fit different circumstances, rather

than focusing on squelching what could be a

terrific asset for the long run. Successfully

teaching the child to channel the humor can help

the child become a wonderful team member in

the work place, someone who can lighten up tense

and difficult situations with appropriate humor.

*** BONUS TIP: Have your class or group establish

rules about the number of talk-outs per hour,

and to create a standing policy about what to do when

problems occur. Without a recommended number for kids

to follow, some won't be able to discern a reasonable

number on their own. Young people need practice

providing self-governance; most adults don't need that

practice. With this intervention, not only do you shift

the problems away from being adult-kid to kid-kid,

but you are aiding your kids to practice essential

self-management skills.

*** Defiance, Coercion and Acceptance: As you work to

discern what to do in situations that could easily

become power struggles, avoid coercing kids, and putting

their backs to the wall so defiance becomes one of the

few options left. The more you can use acceptance to

find a mutually agreeable middle ground, the more

success you will have with children and youth who would

otherwise power struggle.

*** BONUS TIP: Be sure you know a lot about conduct

disordered youth, your most hard-to-manage children.

If you do not know this child "backwards and forwards,

inside and out", and how to work with this youth

completely differently than everyone else, you will

be very vulnerable to being entangled in power

struggles for control and safety. Because conduct

disorders are very slick and manipulative, you may

not even fully appreciate exactly what is going on.

There is no quick strategy to just disarm this youth.

You must take the time to learn about their

operating system and acquire the special set of

techniques needed. You need to ensure you know

all about this youth who may be 11-15% or more

of your population.

Ruth Wells
www.youthchg.com