The holidays may not be a time of happy celebration for many children and youth. Some face periods of isolation with family members who will be seriously impaired by substance abuse, or consumed with rage or sadness. For other young people, the holidays can mean losing connection with their lifelines, the teachers, counselors and youth workers who are the only sane, sober adults in their world. Other youth return to their families on leave from out of home placements, to find that new and old family problems await.

For many children in pain, the holidays expose and exacerbate their wounds and vulnerability. The happy holidays can be an unhappy time of pain and hardship for many youth who struggle. Our web site, workshop and books are packed with methods teachers and counselors can use to help. Find hundreds of additional suggestions at the web site.

You have probably already noticed the pronounced deterioration that some youth show before, during or after the holiday season. Regardless of your role with youth, there may be much you can do to reduce the severity and duration of this predictable occurrence. In our Breakthrough Strategies to Teach and Counsel Troubled Youth Workshop, we spend hours showing participants how to assist youth in pain. Here is a very brief sampling of some of our methods that you can use to help your children and youth who may find the
holidays to be anything but happy.

Teach: Kids Can't Solve Family Problems
For children who attempt to regulate problem drinking or to stop family fights, teach them that young people are not equipped to solve serious family problems. The more you can lighten the responsibilities that these children carry, the more you may be able to help lessen the depression, despair or withdrawal that the child experiences. By assisting the youngster to better manage holiday difficulties, you may also notice that the child will not have as many problems returning to their routine after the holidays have passed.

BONUS TIP: Assist children to anticipate specific family problems, and determine what to do, and what not to do. For example, the child could be concerned about family members yelling, and could be aided to determine that screaming at family members to stop yelling, may just result in more yelling, but that leaving the area, could help a bit. For younger kids, have the kids sort the potential family problems into "Things I Can Change" and "Things I Can't Change."

Teach: Happy Holidays Aren't Always Happy
Many youngsters believe that the holidays are or should be times of happiness. Teach your youth that the holidays can also be for many people, a time of struggle, and that is normal and understandable for those who face challenges. Assist children who are in families whose difficulties may not ease on one special day, to hold realistic expectations for what will happen.

BONUS TIP: To assist older youth to have a perspective about what they face, consider having them read about the lives of people who have managed to ultimately blossom after a very rough start. Maya Angelou's "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," Dave Pelzer's, "A Child Called 'It,'" or Mary Karr's "Liar's Club" are three powerful classics to consider if you find them appropriate. The timeless "Diary of Anne Frank" can help instill courage, wisdom and strength in some youth who are struggling. Her descriptions of her holidays in hiding, can convey so much more than mere talking to a child, could ever do.

Teach: About Feeling Management
Children who grow up in troubled homes, often learn little of value about managing anger, depression, sadness and other feelings that can be part of the holidays. Whatever your role is with the child, be sure that the child understands acceptable ways to manage anger, sadness or other emotions. Any emotion that the child doesn't already know how to manage, is likely to be acted out or acted in. That is part of why depression, suicide, substance abuse and domestic violence can increase or worsen during holiday times. You may be able to reduce this trend by giving your youth the tools they need to manage their emotions.

BONUS TIP: To moderate the general deterioration that children from troubled homes may experience during the holiday season, find a way to maintain contact. Studies show that children who maintain a sense of connection to their community, do better on everything from teen pregnancy rates to graduation rates. Consider giving your students postcards to send to you throughout the holiday vacation. Also consider mailing cards to students who may urgently need that connection. Younger students can be helped to make calendars to show that the vacation time is passing. Youth of any age can be assisted to locate community youth groups that continue to provide services throughout the holiday season.

Helping Others Can Help the Child
To further foster the sense of connection to the community, deter depression via continued activity, and give a deeper perspective, consider asking some youth and children from troubled homes, to give to others. Although it may seem paradoxical to ask youth who struggle, to give to others, the act of giving implies that life must go on despite the struggles. Giving can soothe the child's soul, offer the mind something productive to focus on, and instill a sense of purpose and success in a life that can seem without positive goals and results. Giving can mean making cards for elderly nursing home patients, baking cookies for the police who work on the holiday, or delivering food baskets.

Ruth Wells
www.youthchg.com