We've all experienced conflict and felt mildly irritated, slightly annoyed or really angry. In a work situation this often happens in meetings, but not always. In fact some people think that conflict can make meetings more interesting. That is, as long as you are only the observer and not directly involved.

Conflict creates discomfort because people feel like they are being personally attacked. But good relationships or teams require a certain amount of conflict in order to grow and push each to find the best solutions or answers.

There are a lot of reasons why conflict occurs but the most common are when there is a mismatch over methods and approaches, facts and details and sometimes values which of course are the hardest to reconcile because values are personal and can not be proved right or wrong.

The Thomas Kilmann model advocates five different approaches you can use depending on the level of power and involvement you want to have.

1. Domination - where one side has the upper hand and doesn't need the other and so uses their power to railroad the other. But remember what goes around comes around and don't expect any favours next time.

2. Capitulation - where one side is happy to give in, which might be ideal if they don't need what the other has but be careful of not setting a precedent. Sometimes this can be a case of choosing which battles you want to fight because some are not worth it.

3. Negotiation - can occur when both parties need each other and have equal power. When done well it can create a win-win situation but be mindful that both parties have the ability to frustrate each other by applying pressure in an attempt to reach agreement.

4. Procrastination - where both parties avoid the situation hoping it will go away. Sometimes it can be good let the dust settle but if left unresolved it can start to feel like a thorn in your side.

5. Collaboration - the best option, where both parties work together to meet each others needs and expectations and generally will create a positive outcome. Sometimes it not possible if one side is forced to the table unwillingly.

Whichever approach you choose remember the best way to handle conflict is through it. The discomfort only lasts a short while and the results when you break through can build confidence and trust.

Dot Struthers has created some coaching resources for school leaders and is running a free programme this term. To find out more go to http://www.merechats.co.uk or call her on 020 8408 3782.

Dot Struthers works with school leaders wanting to develop their leadership and management skills. including personal coaching, HR consultancy and management skills training. For more information go to http://www.merechats.co.uk