How to succeed and move up in private language schools

Folks, Im not going to mix my words or sugar coat things. This is the straight scoop. If you play your cards right you can be a success teaching in the private school sector, and easily move up into positions of power, even if you dont have an advanced degree or any real teaching credentials or ability. Heres how.

1. Do not I repeat do NOT get a TEFL or TESL or CELTA. Yes, you need the paperwork, but no you dont need the experience. And yes I am serious. Deadly serious. Those teaching certificate programs, when they arent scams, are for people who intend to seriously invest themselves in teaching while only being paid for showing up and going through the motions. The better you teach the less satisfied youll be with your salary, benefits, and living conditions. Further, if you dont know your teaching is bad youll think its good, such is the nature of the ego. Your aim is not to be a great teacher, but to 1) survive in Asia, and 2) make money and have a prosperous life.

Do, however, go to Bangkok and buy a fake teaching certificate on Kao San road. Most schools will never check and have no idea of the significance of the certificate to begin with.

Do amass a small arsenal of games you can play in class. Ask friends and family for childrens games or drinking games or any games you can use. To use these in class, jut find any excuse to incorporate them. If you do that 90% of students and administration will think youre a great teacher. Bring some toys you think you might not be able to get in China, and then buy some here. Its about playing games, not teaching, and youll find your energies are spent much more wisely researching what youll actually use than taking an expensive teaching course learning stuff you wont need.

2. Dont make lesson plans. Making lesson plans creates the habit of making more lesson plans. From the get-go get used to just winging it. Youll save yourself thousands of hours of racking your brains for stellar ideas, when all you need to do is show up and go through the motions. Just have an idea in your head what youre going to do. Switch up a few games as your base method of teaching, and add others now and again. Your books will have some simple games in them as well.

3. Drink. Again and again one will hear stories of seeming alcoholics having taught someplace for years, or being in positions of power no one can understand why theyre in. Drinking produces short term contentment and long term indifference, which is an excellent potion to help one accept teaching in Asia. Besides, booze is cheap here. You will also be able to impress the bosses by downing copious volumes of bai jiu (white spirits in China).

4. Smoke. Another great asset, and cheap here. You can make lots of friends handing out cigarettes, and you will enjoy yourself more if you smoke like never before. You can do it in restaurants and even elevators.

5. Kiss ass. Kiss ass. Kiss ass. This is your number one asset. What goes on inside the classroom is inconsequential. What matter is what goes on outside the class. Make sure you kiss the bosses ass like a passionate lover. Kiss the asses of everyone above you. Here you will see how alcohol can help you take the proper steps to success.

6. Do NOT complain about anything. That is NOT the way to go about things. Its best to play stupid and use underground tactics to get what you want. If your toilet is broken, for example, its no good to demand that it get fixed. Rather, chip a piece of it off with a brick, bring the piece in to the school (preferable a stained piece) and explain how you tried to fix the toilet, slipped, and broke it, and you just want them to tell you how to say super glue so you can fix it. Leave the piece on the front desk in reception.

7. Do NOT learn Chinese. First, let me tell you, its a royal pain in the bum. And it wont get you anywhere. Your bosses dont want you knowing what they are talking about. The important thing is for you to be in league with any corruption, a player on the team, and not a sore thumb sticking up for teachers rights or anything like that. OK, lets face it, on the face of it, you need to show that you are a tool. Hey, lets be honest, better a tool than a slave. Besides, you dont need to really be a tool, just appear to be one. So you cant seem too clever, and you cant be seen as knowing whats going on. You must always be oblivious to any ulterior motives.

8. Related to the above. Dont show any signs that you know or care about anyones rights, or contracts. If you frankly state that contracts bore you to death and you just sign them without reading them, they will LOVE you.

9. Praise the city you are in and the people living there. Ive noticed that those who climb the ranks in private schools, like Aston, for example, will always say they love the city they live in. Alcohol helps here because sometimes you can be sincere, at least for the moment, while inebriated.

I think if you look at cases of success in private schools you will find the people at the top instinctively or otherwise have followed these principals.

Now you know everything you need to succeed in the world of private schools in Asia.

Good luck!