‘Good morning Sir. Welcome to the Cockwell Inn Hotel, Florida’s finest. May I help you?’
‘Good morning my good man. Major Worthington-Smythe, retired. United Kingdom Kings Guards Regiment, happy to make your acquaintance.’
‘Do you have a reservation, Major?’
‘Reservation?......reservation?.....do I LOOK like an American Indian? Of course I don’t have a ‘reservation, I have a penthouse suite in Putney, London - not that it is any concern of yours!’
‘I’m sorry Sir, let me check our records.......Oh yes, here it is, a reservation for Mr and Mrs Worthington-Smyth.’
‘Booking, my good man, we made a BOOKING !’
‘Certainly Sir. Do you have any bags or luggage?’
‘Yes, in the car outside.’
‘Er...where IS the car Sir?....Parking lot?’
‘Parking lot?.....what do you mean.....parking lot....there’s not a lot of parking going on, I can tell you......oh no, not a lot at all’
‘It’s where we park the cars Sir. It’s called a ‘parking lot.’
‘Don’t be a fool, man. Cars are parked in a CAR PARK, get it? CARS are PARKED in a CAR PARK ! That’s why it’s called a bally ‘CAR PARK !’
‘Of course, Sir. Er...and your luggage is in the trunk, I imagine?’
‘Trunk?......trunk?.....It’s a CAR, you idiot ! We came by CAR, not riding on the back of some damned ELEPHANT !’
‘This is your first time to visit America, Sir?’
‘Yes, it is. There’s not many people around.’
‘Been a bit quiet this season, Sir. You know, since the fall’
‘Fall? What fall? Who fell? Was anyone hurt?’
‘Doesn’t matter, Sir. Would you like to rent a car during your stay?’

‘Rent? ..........Rent a car? How can I possibly RENT my car when it is back home in London? Maybe I would like to HIRE a car, but I certainly cannot RENT something I don’t have with me.’
‘Of course, Sir. Please fill out this form.’
‘Fill OUT? What do you mean fill OUT? It’s not filled IN. How can I possibly fill OUT something that’s not filled IN? You really are an imbecile!’
‘Just write all your details on the form, Sir. Don’t forget the punctuation, including all comma’s and periods.’
‘Period?....Period ? .....Period of what? ......Period of time?... Good heavens! You are talking gibberish!’
‘I’m afraid I don’t have a pen. Here’s a pencil, Sir. ’
‘Oh, I appear to have made a slight mistake. Do you have a rubber?’
‘I’m sorry Sir. If you want that sort of thing you will need to visit a drug-store.’
‘Drug-store? Drug-store? To buy a rubber? I have never taken drugs in my life. Why on earth would I need to go to a drug-store? And why would a drug-store sell a rubber?’
‘Never mind Sir. Here’s your room key. The computer in your room has just been serviced and all the cookies have been removed.’
‘Cookies? Cookies? You mean there are biscuits in the computer? What kind of a hotel is this?’
‘I’ll have your luggage taken to your room Sir, Here’s a voucher for dinner tonight. We have a special this evening Sir, roasted eggplant.’
‘Eggplant? Eggplant? Plants don’t lay eggs you fool. Plants don’t GROW from eggs either. For heavens-sake, what kind of school did you go to?’
‘Oh, one moment Sir. It seems the previous guest had a little problem with the room and I’m not sure if it has been taken care of yet.’
‘What kind of problem?’
‘Faucet. I’ll check with maintenance now.’
‘Force what? What did he force? Who forced him to what?’
‘It’s all OK, Major. Everything is fixed. You’ll be leaving on Saturday. I’ll have your check ready.’
‘Cheque? What cheque? Have I won something? Why would you give me a cheque? Aren’t you supposed to give me a bill?’
‘Enjoy America, Major’