"All foreigners are Dogs!"

Yep, you're right! ESL teachers are really CIA and SAS-trained secret agents who have come to steal all your secrets.

Now, let me think what secrets I would like you to share with me......

Well I guess you could start by telling me why the hell you eat chicken heads and duck feet. Then perhaps we could move on into the more technical area of how to prepare a delicious bowl of pig brains or cow lungs.

After such a taste-bud-tempting luncheon, maybe we can discuss why you feel the need to make that horrible noise in the back of your throat before paying homage to the flob-god and coughing out a big greenie, especially onto restaurant floors.

Another secret you can share with me is why mothers with young kids have this innate desire to allow them to shit on the footpath right outside a shop doorway - especially when they are 3 metres away from a public toilet.

Then, how about explaining to me why China is regarded as one of the world leaders in technology, yet people riding on buses and trains treat mobile phones as if they are a bean-can connected to another bean-can with a piece of string.

Next, you can tell me why people think it's funny to push right in front of you when you have been standing in a queue for an hour, and why people need to invade my personal 1-metre of space when I am standing at a supermarket check-out.

Then you can please explain to me why people like to walk on the roads and drive on the footpath. And talking of driving, when I am riding my bike in a straight line and someone shoots out from a side street, straight into my path without looking, why is it MY fault for crashing into them?

I'll make a deal with you - If you share all these secrets with me, I will teach you how to cook a decent steak - because god-knows, you can't lol.