1. Never miss a meal – you might regret it later that hour.
2. Park your car accessibly close.
3. Don’t park in timed zones (2 hour, etc.) – parking overtime adds up.
4. Don’t park in No Parking zones – parking tickets add up and have to be paid before next semester’s registration.
5. Don’t park in Tow Away zones – towing fees are hard to come by.
6. Take the bus.
7. A fine-point Sharpie is the best thing to use for signing autographs.
8. A fine-point Sharpie is the best thing to use for signing casts.
9. A fine-point Sharpie is the best thing to use for signing “I’m a friend when you need one” cards.
10. Staplers can be used to repair the hem on your jeans.
11. Staplers can NOT be used to repair a torn dress or bra strap.
12. Staple removers make great ice tongs for tiny ice cubes.
13. Staple removers are almost worthless for removing heavy-duty staples, whether they are in paper or your drunk roommate’s eyeball.
14. The smell of the contents of a laundry bag is proportional to the height of the guest you just brought in your dorm room compared to where the bag is hanging. The shorter the guest, the higher the bag needs to hang (fumes rise).
15. The smell of the contents of a laundry bag gets worse as the contents get higher in the bag.
16. There are two alternatives to the smell of the contents of the laundry bag:
a. Wash the clothes.
b. Buy new clothes.
c. Taking the clothes home for the weekend for Mama to wash is not an option!!
17. When you have to produce a chart for Geography class, make it color-coded.
18. The extra expense and time of a color-coded chart will be well worth the effort when you see the “A” on the paper.
19. RoseArt makes the cheapest markers and colored pencils for making charts for Geography class.
20. Crayola markers last longer and are probably darker, but since they all dry out eventually and you’ll have to buy another set next semester for the Anthropology charts, why waste the money now?
21. Wal-Mart is the best place to buy school supplies, towels with the University logo, and sweatshirts with the school emblem on them.
22. Prices for EVERYTHING at the college bookstore are seriously inflated to show a profit to the Board of Regents.
23. The Board of Regents really does not care how much you spent on markers.
24. Wal-Mart was the first store on the moon and on Mars, so there will be one in your college town. Find it. Patronize it. Get to know its manager.
25. Wal-Mart and Waffle House are case studies in your Marketing classes textbooks.
26. Waffle House is open 24 hours a day.
27. Waffle House coffee will hold open your eyes, fill an empty tummy that has no other money, and warm a tired student who needed a place to come in out of the rain.
28. Waffle House waitresses LIKE tips.
29. Waffle House waitresses love college kids who tip.
30. Waffle House waitresses will listen with interest when you are professor bashing – just make sure he’s not her brother before you start berating him.
31. Waffle House waitresses will come to your graduation and look on you with pride as their “rent-a-kid” if you’ve tipped often enough.
32. Use a corkboard, not the wall, as your bulletin board.
33. Push pins leave little holes in the wall.
34. Push pins leave little holes in your bank account when you have to pay to have the holes filled in at the end of the semester. Staples do, too.
35. Staples are hard to remove from a bulletin board. Use push pins.
36. Push pins can not be used to deflate your roommate’s boy(or girl)friend’s tires. Except when inserted into the sidewall of the tire (near the rim).
37. Taking 12 pairs of shoes to college is a bit excessive, especially since you’ll wear OUT your favorite tennis shoes, sandals, and loafers, but the others have to be transported to school and back home.
38. Dr. Scholl’s makes great gel inserts for worn-out favorite tennis shoes.
39. If you share a room/bath with several other roommates or hallmates, set the guidelines, nicely, on the first day:
a. Don’t use my ________ (insert soap, shampoo, crème rinse, deodorant, towel, washcloth, loofah, etc. as needed) and I’ll try not to use yours but once or twice.
b. Don’t bring your girlfriend (or boyfriend) to the room without warning me first. If you do, bring me earplugs and eyeshades so I won’t have to watch what you’re doing.
c. Don’t take my last pencil/pen/paper without warning me first. If you do, I might have to use the back of your term paper for my class notes.
d. Keep your dirty, smelly laundry on your side of the room. My side will be full of my own.
e. Be nice to me. Otherwise, my overly large primate friends might trash your side of the room one night while I’m out for the night and have conveniently left the door unlocked.
f. Let me know when you’re going to spend the night out so I can make use of your side of the room.
40. Hole punchers only work if you keep them aligned.
41. Hole punchers only work if you keep them emptied of the little dots they create from punching holes in your papers.
42. Little dots from the hole-puncher hopper make great confetti.
43. Little dots from the hole-puncher hopper are REALLY hard to get out of carpet.
44. The cheap, shag carpet in older rental trailers that your older college friends are renting holds a ton of little dots from the hole-puncher hopper.
45. Use the appropriate size binder clip for the project.
46. Binder clips come in several sizes:
a. Teensy (holds 1 sheet of notebook paper or 2 kisses)
b. Tiny (holds 4 sheets of notebook paper or 1 folded dollar for the Waffle House waitress).
c. Small (holds 8 sheets of notebook paper or 2 quarters for a bad Waffle House tip).
d. Medium (holds 20-40 sheets of notebook paper or for attaching 1 small magazine to your roommate’s pillowcase).
e. Large (holds 100 sheets of notebook paper or a split seam of a fairly loose garment until you can get back to your dorm room; a split seam of a tight garment needs a coat or garbage to cover it up – repairing it is a waste of time).
f. Excessive (holds 4 books and takes 3 people to press it open; if you get your finger caught in its jaws of death, have someone else dial 911).
47. Sticky-do’s (commonly referred to as “post-it notes) come in several flavors:
a. 1.5” x 2” (Small. Worthless for anything but reminding yourself to buy larger sticky-do’s).
b. 3” x 3” (Medium. Don’t use this size to leave notes on your roommate’s pillow like “We’re all out of cornflakes. FU” [quote from Felix Unger, played by Jack Lemmon, in “The Odd Couple,” a GREAT movie about roommates]).
c. 4” x 6” (Large. More expensive, but in the louder colors, make great backgrounds for your roommate’s dull bulletin board).
48. Gem clips, whether plastic or metal, are worthless. Unless you need to hold used tissues together while your drunken roommate spills the beans at IHOP about the frat party bash/orgy/sleepover.
49. IHOP waitresses like tips, too.
50. Academic pursuits in college are for your spare time. Pursue them sparingly.

Johnnie Lewis
www.thefivefingerparagraph.com