Originally printed in the North Grenville Newsletter, September 2006

10 Second Classics
By: Jerie Shaw

It is almost inevitable that any September issue of a youth page will include the word. It's the one word every child and teenager dreads; the word he or she knows will soon become a tragic and terrifying reality. That word is - school. Naturally, the Shakespeare buffs find themselves cowering in fear at the thought of sitting through another math class, attempting to fathom foreign terms like "Binomial coefficient" and "Cofactor matrix". On the other hand, there are plenty of math buffs having nightmares about the oncoming onslaught of English courses and study novels. "Who is this Macbeth guy anyway?" they wonder. Thankfully for these people there is help - compiled here is everything you need to know (minus all the boring stuff) about some of the classic novels and plays you will be studying in class this coming year. Good luck!

Romeo & Juliet (by William Shakespeare)
Romeo: I love you Juliet!
Juliet: I love you Romeo!
Romeo: But our families hate one another, so we can't be together.
Juliet: *sobs*
Romeo: I have a plan! *pretends to kill himself*
Juliet: Oh no! *really kills herself*
Romeo: OH NO! *really kills himself*

Brave New World (by Aldous Huxley)
In the future, society will become so technologically advanced that human beings can be manufactured perfectly, poverty is virtually non existent, and there is no such thing is war. People also have sex all the time, and take drugs that make them phenomenally happy (with no side effects). And this is bad because.... well, it just is.

Hamlet (by William Shakespeare)
Hamlet's father, girlfriend, girlfriend's brother, girlfriend's father, uncle, and mother all die gruesome, horrible deaths. So does Hamlet. The End.

Pride and Prejudice (by Jane Austen)
Jane: I love that rich hunk Bingley
Bingley: I love that gorgeous girl Jane
*Jane and Bingley get married*
Elizabeth: I can't stand that rude and horrible Darcy.
Darcy: That Elizabeth girl is barely tolerable
*Elizabeth and Darcy get married*

The Lord of the Flies (by William Golding)
Ralph: Oh no! Our plane full of young boys crashed on this deserted island!
Piggy: Let's do the intelligent thing, and create smoke signals to get rescued
Jack: No! Let's GO CRAZY and KILL STUFF!
Everybody else: Yah!

Macbeth (by William Shakespeare)
Witch: You will be king!
Macbeth: Good idea! *kills some people and becomes king*
Everybody else: Oh no you didn't!
Macduff: *kills Macbeth*