Is your barn/house cat your real significant other? Are you tired of all the delusions about finding the perfect mate? I can answer, “yes” to both of these questions. I am just the curmudgeonly sort of person to expose the realities that have anything to do with valentines, romance, or love sweet love, which makes fools of us all.

In my opinion the only ties that bind are made of either baling twine or barbed wire. The reality of it all is; that it’s easier to stay single. I know a gentleman who belongs to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever he feels like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn his toast for him. (Compliments of Orson Bean.)

It’s only fair to include Brides Anonymous so as not to be accused of being gender-specific. Whenever a woman wants to get married they send over a man with a too-tight tee shirt stretched over an excessively large belly. Attached to his belt loop is a six-pack of cheap beer as he proceeds to languish on your damask sofa, feet up on your antique coffee table, watching (what else) football. An occasional belch is the only means of communication.

Then there are the online dating services. I’ve never been involved with one, but I have been privy to some amusing stories. While “surfing” the net, I wondered what kind of material the curmudgeon could use for an article to celebrate St. Valentine’s Day…and I found plenty, thanks to website personals for comedic inspiration.

Zeroing in on my age bracket and proximity to where I live, I found Devilish Donald seeks Sensual Sally. This guy’s photo really made him look like the devil. He was 63 with dyed black hair and squinty blue eyes. He had a grin reminiscent of Satan and was looking for a slim, voluptuous woman whose height is 3’0” – 7’11”. Now there’s a picture for you. Furthermore, there aren’t too many women who are both slim and voluptuous unless they are “Barbie”.

Being the creative curmudgeon that I am, I started drawing horns sticking out of Devilish Donald’s head, on my computer, with a black magic marker, just to see how close to Beelzebub I could make him look. There was a striking resemblance. It’s a good thing he wasn’t wearing a red shirt or I would have freaked. Now I have to go find some alcohol to wash the “horns” off my CRT.

There will be no online dating for me. My cat offers much more enjoyment. He fits all the positive descriptions I’ve read about men on the online dating services. He is cute and cuddly and is committed to a long-term relationship. He loves me unconditionally. He keeps himself clean. He doesn’t drink beer or belch. He doesn’t smoke. He is physically fit and he works full time (catches rodents). What more can a woman ask for?

Pamela Beers
http://www.pamelabeers.com