Old folks aren’t always up for sex. Old women are often against it and old men are often for it. Here are some of the things they say:

Things Said by Old Women

1. What’s that you want to do, Honey? Now?

2. Right after you get back from your four-mile walk.

3. If I didn’t have this horrible rash.

4. I just took my medications. Come back next week some time.

5. You’ve been reading too much. I know those Mickey Spillane novels are only 10 cents at yard sales, but you are not Mike Hammer.

6. Would you take off that silly Superman cape? Hey, that was my red dress!

7. What’s that you are saying? I think my batteries are dead.

8. This damned arthritis. I hurt just everywhere.

9. I wish you would grow up. I don’t like it when you stand naked at the foot of the bed like that.

10. How about a nice ice-cold glass of iced tea?

Things Said by Old Men

1. I told you I was going to take a Blue Pill® and a Silver Bullet® pill. Can’t you remember anything for 20 minutes? What am I supposed to do now?

2. What do you say we go out to dinner and a movie? Hey, I didn’t say we would have to do anything when we get back.

3. You know I can’t do that anymore. That’s a physical activity.

4. No problem, Dear. I promised Miss Appleton that I’d cut her lawn. Now is as good time as any to do it. What? Oh, you changed your mind.

5. Hey, Honey! Did you read this in the paper? It keeps you from getting prostate cancer. See! It’s right here!

6. Honey, here is a picture of Johnny Weissmuller when he was only 21. Just won the Olympics. He made some Tarzan, didn’t he? You can almost feel his muscles. Here is a pic of him with his mate. When you were a little girl I’ll bet you wanted to swing with him like Maureen O'Sullivan. Pretty skimpy outfits they have on. I can blow these pics up if you want me to.

7. I’ve been thinking about a cruise. Do you want to go with me or are you still too tired?

8. Here’s an article I hadn’t read. Did you know that you can tell how many years an old person has left by the number of times he or she make love every month?

9. Why do we always have grandkids over here day and night?

10. Not to night, Dear. You’ve got a headache.

John T. Jones, Ph.D.
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