Our focus on a moment to moment basis has a huge impact on the quality of our work, relationship, and lives. Depending on what we choose to focus on, the exact same situation can have many meanings.

For example, take the situation of a worried parent whose child should have been home two hours ago (I hope everyone can relate to this situation from at least one side – person who’s out or person who’s late!). When the child gets home, the parent is first relieved and then very angry. This is considered a pretty normal reaction.

While the child is out, what is the parent thinking? ‘Oh God, I hope he’s ok. I hope he hasn’t been in an accident.’ And when the kid walks in, safe and sound, two hours late, what is the parent thinking then? ‘Oh thank God, he’s ok. Now I’m going to kill him!’ Throughout the process, the parent focused on two different things. First off, they focused on what could be wrong. They focused on all the horrible reasons why their child had not gotten home or checked in yet. Once the child comes home, and everything is fine, they focus on how irresponsible their child was.

This is not a text on child rearing; rather, it is an example of the power of focus. Imagine, if in the exact same situation, the parent assumed that everything was ok, and that the child was just running late. When the kid walks in two hours late, the parent can still discipline them. They can still give their lecture on how important it is to be responsible, and to be home on time, and to call if their going to be late. But, the quality of the last two hours was much higher because it wasn’t tied up in anger or worry.

This is not to say that you should ignore the challenges and problems that face you. What it means is, don’t dwell on the challenges. Apply your focus to the solutions, and to the things that are good in the situation. This accomplishes two things: 1) It frees up your energy so that you may approach your challenges in an empowered way, and 2) it makes you predisposed to overcoming your challenges.

Here’s a personal story. A few years ago, my father was having bypass surgery. My family went into New York City to be there with him. The procedure took place in the afternoon, and then my father would be in recovery for a while. The night of the surgery, before we were given a status update and before we could see my father, my sister and a couple of friends went out to grab a bite to eat. While we were out, a friend asked me how I was doing. I actually surprised myself when I said, ‘I’m doing fine. I’m really not worried.’ My mother and sister were stressing out, and I’m sitting there reading a novel or chatting with friends as if nothing was wrong. This wasn’t escapism; rather, I chose not to focus on all the things that could go wrong during the surgery. I fully understood the risks of bypass surgery, and I of course wanted everything to be fine. I also understood, however, that whether I was worried or happy would have no impact on the surgery. So, I chose to be happy, and to try to help others be happy, and to make the most of an unhappy situation.

Here’s the kicker. I actually felt guilty about not being depressed and stressed. It was as if by being upbeat, I was somehow expressing a lack of concern for my dad. We, as a society, love to show how much we care by being worried, angry, stressed, and a whole slew of other negative emotions.

How many situations do we tie our own hands in by focusing on the negative? And how many times do we do that because we feel we are supposed to feel that way? By not getting caught up in what you’re ‘supposed’ to do or feel, you can be much happier and productive in many areas of your life.

Avish Parashar
http://www.AvishParashar.com