Women who have lost partners to both death and divorce say divorce is harder. It is devastating to lose someone you love, but with death, you know it is permanent. There is no hope of getting the relationship back and there is nothing to figure out. In Greek and Roman mythology, Pluto (god of the underworld) was the only god to whom there was no altar, i.e., it is pointless to pray, to plead, or to bargain. There are also no answers to be given.

When someone you love breaks up with you in a sloppy manner, it’s especially hard. We see this most in men who can’t commit. They can’t commit TO you, but they also can’t commit to leaving you. The rough ride you had in the relationship, lurches on to the same sort of conclusion.

If your lover has low EQ, he may start to disengage, calling less, seeing you less often, or not being fully present when he is with you – just when the relationship should be moving toward commitment. Or he may simply disappear. Like an MIA, Missing in Action, you don’t know if he’s “alive” or “dead” so you are left in limbo, stuck, and unable to move on. To be the object of someone else’s ambivalence is hell.

It is cruel for someone to put you on the spit of their own confusion and indecision. To sever the relationship, which is of course anyone’s right, and it happens, they don’t make a surgery of it, a clean cut; they saw away leaving a messy wound that can’t heal and body pieces lying all over the place.

What keeps a man from making a respectful, well-thought out, Intentional and definitive exit? Low EQ, I’m afraid, and probably the spectre of Fatal Attraction and The Fisher King. If the relationship was new and still on a high, or he was playing a game and you were not, and he breaks it off, you have been lied to and betrayed, and also have had snatched from you one of the most pleasurable things in life – the love affair on the ascendant. His reason could be boredom or fear of commitment. If he anticipates you will be angry (FA), he is correct. If he feels guilty, and tries to assuage, he’s right to feel guilty, but twice-damned to keep leading you on.

Note that if a mature man feels you are just not the one, there usually has been a slower pace, no promises that can’t be kept, and it isn’t a total surprise. If the reason is that he never intended any relationship in the first place, he will generally give reasons that criticize you, but make no sense.

If it was a long-term relationship, over many years, the breakup can bring depression, grief and dysfunction (FK). The abandoned party will be devastated. In a honest relationship, he cared enough about you at one time not to want to hurt you, but prolonging the agony by misplaced “kindness” is not the answer.

Once you’ve gotten the word, and get over the initial shock, there’s a bargaining process that‘s torture. Your hope may remain alive indefinitely unless (1) you make him make it clear; (2) you fall in love with someone else; or (3) you end it ritually on your own.

Here’s what the bargaining stage looks like:

1. Refusing to believe it. “He didn’t mean it.” “We’ve had fights before, he’ll come back, he always does.” “He’ll come to his senses.”

2. Trying to make sense of his version of reality, i.e., "He says I'm 'hysterical,' but he's the one who was always yelling," or "He says we never really got along. To me, it was the best 10 months of my life."

3. Trying to figure out what you can do to get him back and these are often desperate, and sometimes degrading measures, i.e., promising to “get along” with his selfish, drug-addicted daughter, promising to lose 30 lbs. One woman even got a breast augmentation which she paid for herself in order to try and win her guy back.

4. Asking friends for advice. They’ll either talk from their own reality, attack your sense of judgment, or offer pity, none of which is helpful.

5. Changing a core belief or value, i.e., agreeing to let him have affairs.

Many men who fear “confrontation” (which makes them per se bad partners), will make YOU end it, especially painful as its against your wishes. They will send you an email to their new lover “by mistake,” or arrange for you to catch them in bed with someone else, or provoke a scene that makes you “the bad guy.”

If you are left in a state of ambivalence, when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, then turn the tables. End it with a ritual, and then tell him next time he writes or calls that it is over and there is no hope.

This is far more high EQ than carving the “A” word on his car with your key, or turning him in for tax evasion. These are things that may feel good at the time, but that afterwards make you think less of yourself – for good reason. Then vent your pain and anger to a friend, coach, or your journal, not to him. Sadly, he doesn’t care about your feelings, or he would still be around. It’s a time to take care of yourself and keep your self-esteem intact by acting with high EQ; let what goes around come around and take care of him.

To ritualize your ending, collect everything he gave you, and every reminder of him – photos, jewelry, emails, phone messages, poems and letters. If there is something of monetary value, sell it or return it to him. The rest, get a big-enough fireproof container, take it out in the back yard and have a bonfire. Then remove his number from your cell phone, block his emails, don’t answer his phone calls, and erase all his messages WITHOUT listening to them. If you’re tempted to give in on any of these things, call your coach!

I can guarantee you that one day, if you keep those things, they will be meaningless, so you might as well get rid of them. You will, one fine day, be able to look at the photo of him and you in Hawaii and feel nothing. And his letters … if you’re like one of my clients who had the misfortune of finding his love letter to his new girlfriend, and seeing the exact same words he had written to her – you will attach no value to those, either.

It’s rough, kiddo, but the life you save will be your own. You will get to keep the good things from the relationship and he can become another woman’s problem, while you can go on to find a man who loves and values you and wants a relationship with you. A sloppy, uncaring quasi-ending is indicative of the man’s overall style, and one day you will be grateful that if he couldn’t end it, even though you didn’t want to, you could, and did.

Susan Dunn
http://www.susandunn.cc