When you hear the word selfishness what do you think? What kind of picture comes to mind of a person who is selfish? Does this word have negative connotations for you? Where do you think this negativity came from? Did someone in your life tell you that it was wrong to be selfish? Were you punished when others perceived your behavior as being selfish?

Selfishness in fact is a healthy state of being. Thomas Leonard, founder of Coachville, says that “selfishness means you care enough about yourself to get your needs met; selfishness is a choice”. Still conjuring up negative visions for a selfish person? Or do you wish the word “selfish” defined your state of being?

So how do we change our perception of selfishness? How do we allow ourselves to be selfish without the guilt? Can we actually give more to others by being selfish? Let’s delve into these questions and see if you can give yourself permission to be a little more selfish.

First, let’s take a look at the definition; caring enough about yourself to get your needs met. First let me ask you, do you have any idea what your needs are? This is a key issue. If you do not know what you need to be happy, how can you get those needs met? This is an important concept and the only way to find this out is to take the time to check in with yourself and see if you are happy with the way your life is. What answer did you find? Was your answer, “I don’t have any free time to do this assessment”. Well it’s time to get selfish. First item on your list should be carving out time for me.

After you have determined what your needs are the next critical step is “believing” that you matter enough to get your needs met. There are three pivotal issues here: 1) Say No; 2) Be the Teacher; 3) Fill up.

Say No – this is important, especially if you identified with the issue above, not having enough time to check in with yourself to determine what your needs are. The reason you are so swamped for time may be because you are living your life to please others. It’s time to stop being a people pleaser and start pleasing you. So next time before you say yes to another commitment, ask yourself, am I really excited about doing this or am I doing this because others think I should. Exercise your right to say “no”.

Be the teacher – Dr. Phil says, “we teach people how to treat us”. On your journey to selfishness you need to be the teacher and teach others what to expect from you. Up to this point people expected certain behaviors from you, because you have taught them to expect them. As you begin to honor yourself on your journey toward selfishness, make sure you share with others what you need. For example, if you need some alone time, but have never allowed yourself to do that, you will need to articulate this to those who expect you to be available. They may be a bit upset about this, and call you selfish, because in the past you taught them that you did not value your “own” time, now you must re-teach them to honor your “me” time. Stand strong; believe that you matter enough to have your needs met. Eventually, they will adjust and embrace the new you.

Fill up – if you have issues with being selfish you may believe that it is better to give then to receive. This may be true as long as you have something to give, however if you continue to give but never take the time to fill up the gift box eventually you will run out of gifts to give. Being selfish allows you to refill the box so you have many more gifts to give to others for a very long time. Make the commit to fill up your gift box.

Hopefully you have a clearer picture about what it means to be selfish. With any luck you will be able to embrace selfishness without all the negativity and guilt; realizing that selfishness helps you be more giving to others.

If you are struggling with being a people pleaser, wishing you had more time to get to know what your needs are and want to learn how to be more selfish, then I encourage you to hire a coach to help you see selfishness in a new light. Feel free to contact me for a free sample session.

Lisa A. Fredette
http://www.lisafredette.com