When you look into building your confidence, there can be some confusion with terms - some books talk of confidence, others of self-esteem. Because they are used interchangeably, you can be unsure what the difference really is! So how can you tell the difference? And is it possible to have one without the other?

Confidence

My definition of confidence is the ability to believe you are capable of coping with any given situation. You know that you have the qualities needed to deal with it successfully and you know how to manage the situation so that you retain overall control of what happens to you. I use this definition as, when you picture those that we think of as confident, we picture them taking actions and making decisions that we do not feel able to make ourselves. We tend to focus on what they are doing, rather than what they are thinking or feeling.

Being confident is incredibly important if we are to achieve anything. And it certainly adds to our feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. But it is not the full story.

Self-Esteem

If confidence is about doing, self-esteem is very much focussed on thinking and feeling. For me, self-esteem defines how we feel about ourselves internally - the abilities or beliefs we have that allow us to think about situations with a sense of calmness and certainty. So, for example, our self-esteem may allow us to think that we are more than able to become a model - but it will take confidence (i.e the feeling of control over the situation AND the self-belief) to actually make us take to the catwalk. So you can see how, if one is missing, the other cannot effectively work.

Many people I speak to consider themselves confident people. How are they defining it? Mainly by how they act - they are bright, vivacious, the life and soul of the party. But, when they are more honest with themselves, they admit that, underneath all of that they are actually quite scared and unsure of what they are doing - they would not consider themselves confident.

So what is the distinction? External confidence, like being able to be loud in social situations, can sometimes be adopted as a defence mechanism. You are so scared that someone may find out that you are not very confident that you overcompensate. The fear comes from the lack of worth or value you place on yourself - you feel that you are not worth knowing as you truly are, so you become what you think others want - loud and cheery.

Ironically, there is a tendency for them to become more lonely than ever in this situation - if you are pretending to be confident, you find it even more difficult to ask others for support or help when you are feeling low or despondent. Consequently, there is more pressure on you to support yourself, as there is now the assumption that, as a confident person, you are in control and able to deal with any situation. It can feel pretty frustrating to be seen as confident when you are not!!

What Can You Do About It?

The first thing to work on is identifying the source of your frustration. Are you appearing confident but have low self-esteem? Do you believe yourself to be capable of great things but lack a confident strategy in which to develop them? Or, do you feel low in confidence because you cannot imagine yourself being capable of achieving anything?

Once you know what exactly you are dealing with, you can begin to work on it. There are any number of self-development books that can help you overcome each eventuality. The important thing to note before buying any of them, however, is to understand how you are defining confidence and self-esteem. Each person's definition differs and so you want to make sure the book you purchase follows along your own expectations.

However you decide to tackle it, you will find that, simply by identifying the part that is not working for you, your motivation to make changes will increase as you now know what it is that is keeping you down. Once we know the obstacles that we have put in our way, we stand a much better chance of knocking them down - for good!

Lee Lam
http://www.rightkeycoaching.com/