When you hear the word negotiation, what enters your mind? A buyer or seller haggling over the price of a product? A hostage held at gunpoint? Two large organizations putting together a merger? Getting your teenager to clean his room? Deciding where to go for dinner with your partner? All of these are great examples of negotiating and clearly illustrate that everyone negotiates.

First though imagine two people engaged in a tug of war. If they are equally strong, then neither of them will move as they pull against one another and both of them will grow very tired! Getting into a power struggle uses up a lot of energy and generally does not go anywhere.

Conflicts come in all forms and levels of intensity. Some are the result of misunderstandings between friends, and they can be resolved with a simple apology. Other conflicts aren't so easy to resolve. They are emotionally intense and often come about over time. The parties then have to decide if the friendship, partnership, marriage or whatever relationship is worth repairing. Notice I said "parties" in the plural. It takes two to tango, and it takes at least two to negotiate. That's because communication forms the core of any negotiation. One no longer needs to have the best or last answer. Expanding one's understanding becomes more important than being right or getting one's point across.

The first and most difficult task of a dialogue involves parking the ego and listening with an open spirit. From this receptivity can come questions which lead to understanding. Negotiating fairly builds trust. And, you set the standard for future conversations. Demonstrations of power erode it. Remember, you teach people how to treat you in two ways: you know, set and enforce your boundaries, and, you demonstrate your values in the ways you treat others.

Here are fundamentals points to remember before you begin a dialogue.

* Do not make the other person wrong

Avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person's thoughts, feelings or beliefs, and you are likely to retain the trust and goodwill of those around you. An easy way to accomplish this is to not focus on or form expectations of other people's behavior before meeting with them face to face. It seemed to reduce the tendency to overreact in the heat of the moment.

* Think in terms of " I " messages

An I-message expresses your feelings and experiences without making the other person responsible for them. An I-message is honest and genuine. It doesn't judge, blame or interrupt. It never tells the other person what he should think or feel. Successful use of I-messages requires that you know exactly what you want and need, take personal responsibility for meeting your preferences, express yourself to the person whose cooperation you need, and be willing to listen if the other person becomes defensive.

* Express yourself with empathy

If I am working on a project together with a collegue/friend and we reach a point at which we need to negotiate about putting extra hours in on the project, I might say: "We both have so many responsibilities. I know it must be hard for you to imagine finding the needed time and /or energy with children as young as yours."

The above statement represents my putting myself in the other person's shoes. He or she will feel more understood when I am empathic with his/her situation The chances are higher that we will come to an agreement about how to manage the extra work when empathy is expressed between us.

Empathy implies connection. When each of us is thinking about how the other feels, we are connecting to the other person and his/her life situation.

* Look for areas of agreement

We go farther in negotiation when we can determine what we agree on rather than get stuck in our disagreements. One way to discover areas of agreement is to listen well to the other person. Another way to find areas of agreement is to ask defining questions: "So do you agree with me that there is so much work here that we will have to find a way to get it all done by our due date?"

Every time you find an area of agreement, an added bonus happens. The other person feels more connected to you and then is more willing to work with you!

* Stay open to options for mutual gain

If you can see the other person as a resource and see ways that you can each help the other get to his/her goals, then you have the beginning of a good team. You begin the process of determining mutual gain the minute this type of negotiation begins.

Brainstorming is the key to finding as many possible options for solving a problem. In brainstorming, each of you throws out ideas. Some may work and some may not be possible. The very act of brainstorming says that there are many options.

Once options are suggested, then the task is to sort out what options will lead to mutual gain. If you can join each other in this decision, then the negotiation has become a Win/Win situation and everyone goes away feeling good.

Leo Lionni wrote a children's book called 'Little Blue and Little Yellow.' The book is the story of two colors, Little Blue and Little Yellow. When they each come out to play together, they discover that they play best when they are connected. In the joining they are no longer Little Blue and Little Yellow. Instead, their connected part, the part where they are mutually blended is a whole new color: Green!

* Be Assertive

You also must be able to make up your own mind, as opposed to believing everything you are told. On a practical level, this means you have the right to question the asking price of that new car. It also means you have an obligation to question everything you read in the newspaper or hear on CNN. You cannot negotiate unless you are willing to challenge the validity of the opposing position.

Being assertive means asking for what you want and refusing to take "no" for an answer. Practice expressing your feelings without anxiety or anger. Let people know what you want in a non-threatening way. Practice using "I" statements mentioned earlier. . For example, instead of saying, "You shouldn't do that," try substituting, "I don't feel comfortable when you do that."

Note that there is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. You are assertive when you take care of your own interests while maintaining respect for the interests of others. When you see to your own interests with a lack of regard for other people's interests, you are aggressive. Being assertive is part of negotiation consciousness.

* Become a good listener

Be a detective. Ask probing questions and then shut up. Your questions will help the other person(s) open their mind. Questions involve people. They allow people to think about their lives, themselves and their problems. The other person(s) will tell you everything you need to know -- all you have to do is listen. Many conflicts can be resolved easily if we learn how to listen. The catch is that listening is the forgotten art. We are so busy making sure that people hear what we have to say that we forget to listen. You don't have to think about what you're going to ask next, because what you're going to ask is found in the answers you get to your previous questions!

You can become an effective listener by allowing the other person to do most of the talking. Follow the 70/30 Rule -- listen 70% of the time, and talk only 30% of the time. Encourage the other person to talk by asking lots of open-ended questions -- questions that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no."

* Be prepared

The Boy/Girl Scouts were right. Gather as much pertinent information prior to the negotiation. What are their needs? What pressures do they feel? What options do they have? Doing your homework is vital to successful negotiation.

* Aim high

People who aim higher do better. If you expect more, you'll get more. Successful negotiators are optimists. A proven strategy for achieving higher results is opening with an extreme position. Sellers should ask for more than they expect to receive, and buyers should offer less than they are prepared to pay.

* Be patient

This is very difficult for Americans. We want to get it over with. Whoever is more flexible about time has the advantage.

* Focus on satisfaction

Help the other negotiator feel satisfied. Satisfaction means that their basic interests have been fulfilled. Don't confuse basic interests with positions: Their position is what they say they want; their basic interest is what they really need to get.

* Don't make the first move

The best way to find out what the other persons aspirations are is to induce them to open first.

* Expect unilateral concessions

Whenever you give something away, get something in return. Always tie a string: "I'll do this if you do that." Otherwise you are inviting the prospect to give more than you receive.

* Never negotiate without options

If you depend too much on the positive outcome of a negotiation, you lose your ability to say "no.": "Always be willing to walk away."

* It Does Not Hurt To Ask

It does not hurt to ask for something. The worst that can happen is that the other party says no. This is true in any kind of negotiation especially in dealing with a boss. Ask for that raise or promotion. Even if you don't get it, your boss may admire your pluck and keep you in mind for future promotions. If there is something very important to you, it is good to get it out on the table. However do your research and be prepared to defend what it is you want and why you should get it. Don't think that if you deserve a raise or promotion you will get it without initiating the conversation. In a job offer, try asking for more money and see what happens. If you have a bad customer experience at a hotel, ask for something like an upgrade or a free night. The results may surprise you.

If you ask for something you really want and it is denied, don't take no for an answer.

Try to find out why they are saying "no". There is always a new way to look at every situation. Try to think of a different way to convince the other side to give you want you want. Go back to the drawing board and try to ask for what you want in a different way. Even a minor change, a compromise or rephrasing might make it more palatable. If this is an important issue, suggest a trade-off or package deal, so the other side might be motivated by getting something they want.

* Look the Part

You are the one who should set the tone of the negotiation. When you come into the room for the first time, you should look the part. Project the image that you want. You might want to try it in the mirror a few times. You want to give good eye contact and be a good listener. You want to seem knowledgeable about the issues or issues to be discussed. Think of the expression, "Fake it till you make it." Being a good negotiator is like being a good actor. Remember to play your part and look the part.

* Check your emotions at the door

Emotions such as anger can make one lose control. If you are nervous, upset or unsure of yourself, you need to focus on what you hope to accomplish and tell yourself that nothing is going to stand in the way of your goal. If the other side sees weakness, they may try to bait you (this may happen from either their unconscious or conscious level), so don't get caught up in their attempt to mind play. And if perhaps it starts to remember "it takes two to tango". When upset with the other side, instead of getting angry, try speaking more softly and more slowly to get your message across. Don't let your emotions interfere with the negotiation and never let them see you sweat!

* Think like a dolphin

The dolphin is the only mammal who can swim in a sea of sharks or in a sea of carp. Dolphins are able to adapt their strategies and behaviors to their counterparts. Remember, even when negotiating with a shark, you have an option--you can walk away!

* Be honest and fair

In life, what goes around comes around. The goal in creating win/win outcomes is to have both counterparts feel that their needs and goals have been met, so that they will be willing to come back to the table and negotiate again. An atmosphere of trust reduces the time required to create win/win outcomes.

Negotiation is based in abundance thinking: It is the belief that if we truly understand the problem, the perfect solution will present itself. When you truly believe it's possible for everyone to be satisfied - no compromise necessary - you'll have the confidence to stick with the process until it works. Try it and watch your life and all your relationships change into something special and unique!

Mary Kay's desire is that people discover how to create (and then live) a life they truly love. She is available for private consultations and speaking engagements. Be sure to visit her website and sign up for her *FREE* Monthly Newsletter, which is filled with inspirational, motivational and helpful information. Dare to be Different. Dare to be YOU! If you want Mary Kay to speak at an event in your area or you want to contact her: call 702-239-5451 or e-mail marykay(at)sfgtd.com