When, as a child, our NBA fan assumed responsibility for the misbehaviors of his parent, he accommodated his parent’s flaw (“always be nice to others”). He did this hoping to make things okay with his parent so that the parent would stop making him feel bad if he followed his own path. That’s the adaptive purpose of his behavior. Like the indigenous tribe, he too tried to appease the gods (parents) to make sure the same things didn’t happen again.

As a child, he probably found it very hard to not accommodate his parent’s flaws. Quite possibly because the “guilt trips” that were imposed on him were powerful, painful, and like a wrestler’s forceful armhold, they made the child submit to their demands. But when we hold onto our tribe’s personal beliefs (inner rules) too tightly and always try to obey them, we often end up behaving in destructive ways. Yet when we try to ignore them and take a stab at doing what is in our best interests, we often end up experiencing strong feelings of guilt.

That age old “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” fits perfectly into this scenario. You hate yourself for giving in to these negative inner rules (always be nice to others) just as you hate yourself for giving into the irrational, negative behaviors of your parents. What does that leave you with? Resentment. Where does resentment take
you?

To fighting against having to give in to these rules, or defiance. What’s another word for defiance? Rebellion. And what’s the title of this chapter? Guilt and Rebellion. Ah, it’s starting to click now, isn’t it? And as crazy as it seems (but then again, remember those “gods”— we said they “must be angry” and it turns out, they’re crazy, too) we can be forced against our will to adopt the very same qualities of our parents that we hated. And although most of us vow to act better, or at least, differently, than our parents did when we were growing up, many of us notice that we have actually assumed their worst qualities.

Arriving Where We Began and Knowing It for the First Time

This brings us to the question, “Why aren’t you in control of your life?” Now that we can see and understand why you aren’t in control, the only question left to answer is, “How can I be in control of my life?” And you can be.

If you find yourself behaving in ways that you hate and feel unable to change, you’re probably acting according to unconscious destructive mental rules. It’s as if you’ve become your very own computer virus. And like a computer virus, which conveys misinformation and causes your computer to act in self-destructive ways, these “self-viruses” interfere with your goals, fulfillment, and happiness and cause you to act in self-destructive ways too. How do you clear out the virus? Is there a Norton Anti-Virus that can scan your brain’s files and documents and rid it of the affected ones so that you run smoothly and up to speed for the rest of your days? It’d be nice if it were that simple, and while it isn’t, there are ways to make fulfillment, success, and happiness a part of your future inner computer program.

Practical, Meet Impractical. Simple, Meet Complicated

It’s time for me to take off my author’s hat and replace it with my psychiatrist’s. Solving long-standing behavioral problems, past problems that affect our present-day lives, is something that usually takes time and a lot of work. However, I also believe that there are things you can do today, things you can carry through with tomorrow and the days to come, that will begin the process. In the section that follows, “Exercise: Now Look At Yourself,” you’re going to address what I call practical approaches to some very impractical problems.

Moving Ahead

You’re starting to get an idea of whose voice it is you hear in the back of your head at different times and in different situations, and that’s good. It will allow you to understand what you grew up hearing and how it continues to affect you today. Underlying causes of behaviors affect you—there’s no doubt about that. And those causes can also be changed. But only when you identify them. Congratulations. By doing the above exercise you’ve just identified one, maybe two, maybe more underlying causes, and you’re on your way to long-lasting change.

In the next article, “Surviving Your Family – Accommodation” you’ll start seeing how you made it through your family in one piece by acting and behaving in certain ways. But you probably don’t like these ways anymore, and you think they may be holding you back today.

Irwin Gootnick, M.D. http://www.penmarin.com/proddetail.asp?prod=Gootnick2&from=2