Has this or something similar ever happened to you:

There's this new staff member, 'X' who you'd like to make friends with. But she seems uninterested in you or anyone else, and mostly keeps to herself.

It doesn't occur to you to go up and ask X if anything's the matter.

You are so sure that X is being cold to you because she 'thinks she's all that'. Who does she think she is anyhow? Snobbish brat (etc, etc). Ah well if she doesn't want to be friends then it's her loss. She's not worth your time anyway, you think.

As a result of the way you perceive X to be, you become subtly hostile towards her. As you continue to think that way about X, you dislike her even more. This makes you treat her poorly.

Then one day you overhear some people chatting during lunch break. Among other things, the subject of X comes up. Your ears perk up. Now you're going to find out some really nasty things about X to confirm that she as bad as they seem.

But you're not quite expecting what you hear next. Turns out that X recently lost someone very close to her just before starting out in the new job. Hence the 'cold' attitude was really a reflection of the emotional hurt X was going through.

X really did need someone to make her/him feel welcome, someone to help her get over the grief.

So you were wrong about X all the time. In that instant, your perception of the whole situation changes. You feel bad and guilty for misjudging X. You decide to make it up to her by treating her kindly from now on.

What has just happened here?

X hasn't stopped acting 'cold' to everyone (though with persistent kindness and support that's likely to change), yet your behaviour towards her has.

How come ?

It's because you've changed your perception of X. You now see her in a different light.

Notice that nobody made you change your mind about X. You chose to treat her differently, based on a change in how you thought about her.

The point of all this is this: the way we behave at any given time is the result of how we perceive the world around us.

It's the way we see things that determines how we respond in different situations.

Think about it. Take the issue of 'stress' for example. No event is (in and of itself) stressful. It's the way you think about it (which is totally under your control) that makes it stressful or not.

'Stress' is your response, your reaction to certain events. This reaction leads to certain physiological responses including the so-called 'flight-or-fight' response that is designed to protect you from any perceived harm.

Knowing that you're responsible for your thoughts, words and actions, it makes sense then that you should choose to think the right things about people and circumstances.

Choose to speak the right words (or no words at all, depending on the circumstance). Choose to act the right way.

Choose to see the good in every situation. It's there, if you look for it (just as surely as you'll find bad stuff if you look for it, but why waste your mind-space doing that anyway?).

It's the way you see things that matters.

Shakespeare said 'nothing is good or bad, only thinking makes it so'. Too true.

So before you go off condemning someone or something, think which is better: to seek the good in them (everyone has something good about them, even if it's not immediately obvious) and relate to them accordingly, or to dwell on their negative aspects.

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.

Dr Kem Thompson
http://www.successeminars.com/