Life Coach Advice

Who doesn’t enjoy being listened to? We crave good friends and a partner in life with whom we can share our life experiences, both good and bad. Whether we are mad, sad, frustrated, happy or excited, we crave the company of a good listener. This includes the simplest of inconsequential daily conversations.

Even though we like be listened to, most of us are not very good at listening. Be honest, often we are so caught up in what we want to say and how we feel that we stop hearing what others are saying to us. As a life and relationship coach, I see many disputes prolonged because people just don’t hear one another.

Listening is at the core of relationships and understanding. If you don’t listen, how do you learn about each other or make each other feel good about the relationship? Being listened to makes us feel validated and relieved of built up thoughts and feelings.

In all relationships, particularly intimate ones, it is as important to be a good listener as it is to be heard. Working with couples my job often is to restate what each person is saying because each person is caught up in how they feel and they no longer hear each other. You cannot understand what another person is saying or feeling if you do not take the time to see things from their perspective. Until you hear what is being said you cannot work through the issues, compromise and resolve your differences.

There are skills to being a good listener and listening with what I call an “open ear.”

Having an open ear means becoming an active listener. It means not wanting to say anything. Your primary focus is on what is being said rather than what you want to say. When you release yourself from the need to comment, you can focus entirely on what you are hearing. You become fully present and the speaker knows you are paying attention. Your body language should be relaxed with no fidgeting. If you act restless or bored, the speaker becomes self-conscious.

Keep eye contact. When you focus your eyes on the speaker, it keeps you from wandering into your own thoughts and it allows the speaker’s facial expressions to accentuate the story. Listen both with your ears and your eyes. Let the speaker know you are listening not by interrupting to say something, but by keeping your focus on them.

Listen and don’t speak. Believe it or not, most people including you don’t want too much feedback. They simply need you to hear them. With that in mind, don’t interrupt or start offering advice or judgments. Having an open ear means simple listening. Offer feedback only when prompted but refrain from taking over the conversation or sounding like you are lecturing. When you start to lecture the speaker regrets having talked to you and feels more resentment than relief from the encounter.

It doesn’t matter if you agree with what you are hearing or not. When you listen with an open ear it allows you to hear a different perspective. You may even learn something. When you are patient and free of your preconceived notions you may find the speaker has some valid and/or interesting points. Regardless, the fact that you are listening doesn’t mean you must share the same point of view; it just means that you care enough to listen. In relationships even if you don’t feel the same way as your partner, you might find that it more important to understand how he or she is feeling than to argue. How each of us feels is a reflection of the person each of us is.

While you are just listening, confirm that you have been listening by repeating back short clips of what you’ve heard. You don’t have to have all the answers. Remember that often the speaker only needs you to hear him or her. Express empathy when needed by interjecting a simple, “I am sorry that is happening.” Show your interest by asking questions and you will discover more about that person than you ever knew.

Be patient, pay attention and listen with an open ear and you will see your relationships improving. "Mastering good listening skills is one of the most precious gifts you can give to those you live, work and play with. It will help in building and maintaining strong bonds, endear you to those you care about, and will even improve your work environment."

In the simplest of terms consider the word listen, it means just that, “To listen.”

Devlyn Steele
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