I have decided to be an achiever and not a loser

I believe the popular internet phrase "epic fail" fits quite nicely here!

Anyway, I am retired now and live in my own small house in the countryside

A recent retirement is it? It was only a couple of weeks ago you were telling us about the university you work at where the dean accepts bribes to pass the failing students in your class...

Your lies are catching you up, old boy!