Have you heard it said, "People in other countries will appreciate it if you try to speak their language even if you just know a little."? This is a lie propagated by The Travel Channel, Travel Agents and anybody else that will benefit from you spending your dollars on them. Nobody wants to hear you butcher their language. Here's another one: "If you don't know the name of the food you want to eat just point to it, they'll even take you into the kitchen and you can pick out what you want for them to prepare for you." Yes that's true but only if you have a camera crew filming you while you're chatting up their establishment for your Food Channel special. If you can't say it you're not getting it. Furthermore, they don't want you in their kitchen and you certainly don't want to see their kitchen. It all starts with the food. That's why Mazlow put it at the bottom of his hierarchy of needs pyramid. Only till you can pronounce it do you get to eat it and move up and have your other needs met and its never more true than when you're traveling.

This one is my favorite, "Everybody speaks some English, you can probably go around the world with just knowing English nowadays." Yeah... right. First of all you can't go to Miami just knowing English and expect anybody to pay attention to you. Secondly even if they do speak some English do you think they're going to make themselves look foolish when its more fun to make you struggle and look foolish trying to speak their language? I was at a family Christmas party and everybody was speaking Spanish and I was trying my best to communicate and failing miserably. When it was over I found out every single one of them spoke English. But they didn't and they won't. It's not for me to judge or be annoyed its just the way things are and its your problem. Lets continue.

"In many countries, you'll be approached by locals eager to practice their English." This is a typical USA-centric attitude where its assumed everybody is dying to live, speak and worship all things USA. In reality all they want is cheap knock-offs of our sneakers, jeans, Nike sportswear and your money. If they're not street vendors or work in the airport they could care less how good their English is. When you see a Sikh do you run up and ask if you can practice your Punjabi on them?

Luckily I'm here dispensing the truth and can give you some practical tips when traveling to a foreign speaking country, which is all of them except England, Australia and Canada. If you're in a foreign country or Florida, even if they can speak English they won't. It's your tough luck you never learned their language and screwed off in high school and nobody has any sympathy for that fact.

When you travel to a foreign country its best if you're a hot chick. Everybody will want to talk to you and won't care if you mangle their language. Giggle often and bring your hot friends. You'll get all the language assistance you need plus free cocktails probably.

Try to listen to children speaking whenever you can. Their language is simple and you can expand your limited vocabulary. We all learned speaking as a child so start there. Make sure they don't see you listening to them though or they'll want money.

Travel with someone who knows the local language. That one is so simple I'm embarrassed I even had to tell you.

And finally, even if it's broken have someone always following you with a shoulder-mounted camera. Always be talking into it, say, "cut!" often and yell at the person holding it occasionally. If you want to know how to say something in his or her language first pull them into the frame before asking the question. They'll be all smiles and happily translate anything you want to know. Miraculously they'll know some English too when you tell them they're on CNN and you won't have to shell out any cash for the translation.

Christian Marks is a South American explorer who writes for the clueless traveler. He can be seen making a fool out of himself trying to speak Spanish in Cusco, Peru daily. Check out more ramblings in English at http://seecusco.blogspot.com