Sometimes they creep up on you or other times they jump into your life. You are grating your teeth and feel like hammering the computer to get rid of the anger you are feeling after encountering a difficult person. It may have been a discourteous email or an abusive parent or student or colleague that is pushing your buttons. Sitting at your desk you might be thinking this is a silly way to feel or there are no-one to discuss it with and your 'ill feeling' simmers. Discussing it with your partner at home or tearing your hair out will not solve the problem. It will not offer a new strategy to your tool kit for future similar situations.

With the understanding you cannot change anybody except yourself, any positive outcome of a tricky situation you encounter, is in your hands or rather your head. Whether it is face-to-face, via written communication or verbal over the phone, most school environments have these state of affairs.

Dealing with these circumstances successfully requires self-knowledge, skills, understanding and confidence. There are a few steps in the process to feeling empowered and ultimately it starts with understanding yourself. You can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself and there is an old saying - If it's to be - it's up to me!

If you understand your own personality and corresponding strengths and weaknesses you can understand another person. That is the first step to realizing the other person may not be difficult but merely from another personality.

One example is a maths teacher who classified the art teacher as 'difficult'. The maths teacher was systematic, quiet, early to appointments, organized, and very efficient filing all the important memo's when he received them. The art teacher who is a creative person is bright, colorful, flamboyant, unorganized often late and from his perspective---noisy. She hummed and would cheer everyone up in the morning when she arrived with a bright and bubbly 'good morning'.

Once I had explained the traits of different traits the maths teacher sighed with relief. Able to understand their differences he then learned some new communication techniques so he could interact more effectively and be more empowered.

However it is not always possible to categorize people into personality groups and that's not always the answer, you also need additional knowledge about win/win relationships.

Some people have the ability to talk down to you or point their finger and raise the hackles on the back of your neck. It is their manner that you find distressing and it could be over the phone via an email or face to face. These encounters leave you feeling not empowered, stressed or angry while they are generally not concerned. They are happy but you are not, hence this is a win/lose relationship.

Remember the only person you can change is yourself so having the knowledge to analyze the situation allows you to address it in the appropriate manner.

The types of relationships which you want at work are win/win style relationships. Often you will have these with friends and colleagues that you 'get along with' and happy to lend or share something with as you know it will always be returned. Whereas, other people will try and manipulate you and always want their way.

Understanding what type of relationship is important and you can rely on your feelings to let you know if something is not okay for you. You need to communicate assertively and express yourself using 'I' statements and 'No' when appropriate along with the line "I have changed my thinking" or "I'd like to help you but I'm sorry I will have to say No" is another phrase that may suit your personality.

Another example are the bullies who seem to gleefully manipulate people while appearing confident. One school principal had no idea that bullying was happening in his school office. Bullies are very clever at spinning the story their way, leaving the other party perplexed and undermining their confidence and self esteem.

However, it's not just in the office and classrooms, it's out in the school grounds where bullies are also rife. Both parties involved in bullying have one underlying common similarity, they both have low esteem. The bully reveals it by wanting to feel important and achieves this by bulling another person. The person being bullied has not the confidence and skills to react appropriately and ultimately the end result it they are bullied. This lose/lose relationship is underpinned by both parties wanting respect, acceptance and appreciation but don't know how to achieve this.

Walking away intact, emotionally and intellectually is a key to improved people relationships in dealing with difficult people and those tricky situations with both adults and students in our schools.

Janice Davies is The Attitude Specialist, who teaches people to be positive and empower themselves through Attitude Training. As a Professional Speaker, Success Coach and author Janice educates people at conferences, workshops and through books. Janice is the founder of the global movement International Self Esteem annual awareness day and features in the new True Happiness DVD. Email or call at Janice(at)attitudespecialist.co.nz - for other complimentary articles and tips www.attitudespecialist.co.nz.