There's no doubt that abuse is an emotive word. A problem around emotional abuse is that it can't be seen - well not immediately anyway. Emotional abuse doesn't come in the form of bruises or broken limbs as is seen with physical abuse cases.

Emotional abuse is more insidious and it's definitely harder to recognise than physical abuse. The evidence doesn't leap out at you in the way that can happen with physical abuse. However, there's no doubt that for many children it's very real and extremely damaging...

You only have to think about how many cases of physical abuse are missed by the authorities. They see kids with broken limbs that aren't noticed by doctors, teachers or social workers... It's so hard to believe but it happens on numerous occasions.

Abusers are devious and very clever at hiding the evidence from those in authority - and it seems that those they are misleading and lying to are easy to deceive. It could be true that for most people, the idea of physically abusing a child is so heinous that it's too easy for them to fall for the lies of those who would perpetrate such misery on a child. After all parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, not damage them beyond reason.

Emotional abuse can come in many forms. It could be a child not receiving enough of the right sort of attention. Or it could be a child being allowed to grow up without boundaries and limits on their behaviour. Many children are allowed access to violence or activities beyond their emotional maturity. They don't have the appropriate guidance from adults. So many children only receive coldness and lack of affection rather than the warmth and love that they so desperately need. Probably there are numerous examples you can think of where kids lack what they need to grow up socially confident and emotionally balanced.

Another example is one I've come across recently - a case that's a combination of lack of limits and boundaries on a child's behaviour, a lack of proper adult guidance and a complete over indulgence of material possessions - a very common problem.

But, there's an awful addition to this kid's list of emotional abuse. He's being kept a baby by his mother. He's not being allowed to grow up and go through the normal developmental stages to enable him to mature as a normal child. He's simply not allowed to be a normal little boy. He's being actively encouraged to be frightened of trying anything remotely adventurous in case he may hurt himself. In his case, one of the results of his lack of appropriate encouragement to develop normally is his totally appalling behaviour. A toddler having violent tantrums at its absolute worst!

A major problem with such abuse is that it's mostly hidden - with this child his appalling behaviour was the only real evidence at first. There are often suspicions but no concrete evidence to back up these feelings. In this case, however, plenty of evidence has been revealed! And it's all straight from the horse's mouth - well straight from his mother's mouth!

One example of his immaturity was his anxiety and fear arose when we took the class on a walk in a hilly area. This boy (he's nearly 9 years old) started crying on the path saying he was scared of heights. But we were on the path at ground level!

In the playground he was too fearful to step onto a wooden stepping stone no more than 8 inches from the ground.

He has no idea about how to play, either independently or with others. He doesn't pick up on social cues and as a result annoys other kids, who don't always react to his pitiful attempts at playing with any sympathy.

This poor little kid - the situation was pathetic but sad... All these examples of his behaviour raised my suspicions so I spoke to his mother who confirmed my thoughts. She said that she actively discouraged him from doing boyish activities. In the nicest possible way she had to be told that she had to change and encourage him to grow up to act like a normal little boy. It couldn't happen over night but a start had to be made.

That's where building a strong relationship with parents is so vital, so any sensitive problems can be addressed as soon as possible.

But, just how sensitive this one was going to get I had yet to discover! It gets worse...

After I'd spoken to his mother a couple of the other kids came into class and said that this boy had been seen sucking a baby's dummy...! Hard to believe but a kid of nearly 9 years old still being allowed, or even encouraged, to suck a dummy... How sad... What a totally unacceptable way to treat a child... It's absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive! Totally cruel...

What happened? Well, his mother had to be contacted again and asked if it was true that she still allowed him to suck a dummy like a baby!

Was it true? Unfortunately, yes, it was true. His mother said that he liked having a dummy and wouldn't give it up!

The strong relationship with parents pays off in these sorts of situations... You can then have a very honest approach... You sometimes have to be pretty straight talking but can throw in a dose of humour and understanding to ease the process. There are ways of getting your point across without offending people...

This boy's mother was told how damaging it is for a child to be allowed to behave in a way that is so out of step with their peers. She said that the dummy would be consigned to the bin! A good result!

Did she get rid of the dummy? All credit to her, yes, it was binned the same day. Plus, she was surprised that he was quite ready to throw it away - a sure indication that he is ready to grow up. Even though she carried through what was asked, she shouldn't have allowed this situation to arise in the first place and should have taken the lead long ago to stop 'baby' behaviours. Allowing her child to behave like a baby was encouraging other children to bully him and to cause yet further emotional abuse.

Without condoning bullying, kids identify what they see as inappropriate behaviour and poke fun and cause other children unnecessary distress.

Kids shouldn't bully others but by allowing a child to be so out of kilter with social norms you're almost encouraging them to be picked on... That's harsh but it's true! Growing up is tough enough without adding to kids' problems unnecessarily.

There's still a long way to go with this child - and his mother - but his behaviour is starting to improve. He'll end up a great deal happier as a result. It's hard for him but it is with any child who has to change their behaviour so radically in order for them to develop appropriately so they can fit into society...

There's no doubt that abuse is an emotive word.

Do you want to know more about managing children's behaviour? If you're having a problem managing children's behaviour then Behaviour Bible will help you get it right. Liz Marsden is a highly experienced teacher and successful behaviour management expert who works with children demonstrating extreme and challenging behaviour in their schools and homes. Liz uses her skills every day in her own classes. She also trains teachers, student teachers, teaching assistants and parents to deal with children's behaviour confidently and effectively. Visit Liz's website at http://www.behaviourbible.com where you can access her easy to follow behaviour management strategies and techniques. Follow the strategies and see great results every time.