This article follows on from a previous one entitled "Three Easy Steps to Self-Confidence" which described a simple 3-step model to remain self-confident during delicate moments with difficult people or confrontational conversations. In this article, we will practice the 3-step model to tackle conflict.

By conflict, I mean someone criticising you harshly. It is not constructive feedback. It is even more embarrassing when it takes place in public, rather than between just the two of you. Conflict is also about someone disagreeing with you in a disparaging way, And possibly in front of others. In the office, it can also be a public put-down when someone makes a disparaging comment.

1. Listening Under Fire

Let us practice the 3-step model in this situation. Remember that the 'listen' stage comes first. But to listen when you are under fire, let me first suggest you count to at least three in your head and breathe in through your stomach. Keep cool and do not rise to the bait.

Another tip to help you stay cool: separate the person from the problem. If you focus on the aggressor and start to think "I hate this guy", you are paying attention to the wrong thing: you are not listening. What is the substance of what this person is saying? Discount all the noise, the smelly wrapping around the words, the unpleasant packaging: what does he/she want? If it is unclear, ask for specifics. Don't let yourself be intimidated by "This work is crap!" Ask: "Would you tell me how I can improve my work?" People are often disarmed by candour.

Another thing: acknowledge the criticism or the disagreement - say something like: "I can see you're displeased", or "I can see this piece of work was not to your liking", or "I can see we disagree". That shows that you listened and, especially in public, it will make it hard for someone to keep their level of aggression up in the face of someone who is so obviously well-meaning and attentive to their concerns.

Note too that acknowledging does not mean you agree: you are not taken anything onboard.

Lastly, in addition to acknowledging their position and asking for specifics to clarify what the crux of the problem really is, successful listening consists of looking straight at the other person. Do not cast your eyes down!

2. Say What You Feel

Now for step two: time to bring the light onto you. In the face of conflict, I encourage you to say what you feel, for example something like "When you speak to me like this, I feel myself getting upset". Note how I phrased it: I do not recommend you say "You're upsetting me" because this could open the door to a useless debate (the person could retort "no, I am not upsetting you" and then what?). When you only talk about you, you stay on safer ground which nobody can argue with. And you still say how you feel and show the aggressor the negative impact he/she is having.

So with conflict, I suggest you do a variation on the second step of the 3-step model and say how you feel rather than what you think. Be wary of saying things like: "I think this is unfair" for instance - not because it is not but because, again, you are heading straight for a confrontation... Unless you are in the mood - and in the shape - to get on the boxing gloves, I suggest you go down another route.

3. Two Options to Say What You Want

Let me now tell you about step three in dealing with conflict, the part where you say what you want to happen. At this stage, you have kept your cool and you understand the substance of what the aggressor was raving and ranting about because you were able to separate the person from the problem. You have also stood up for yourself because you have told the brute about how his manner of speech is making you feel. You are therefore ready to ask for what you want.

Two options here: either you see that the aggressor, for all of his/her poor delivery has a point or you consider there is nothing there of real substance. If it is the latter, and you think the person is just blustering but has no case, then set boundaries. What I mean by setting boundaries is: state your opinion and how it differs from the person's and why. And remember KISS. If the person wants something and you want to refuse, do so - very succinctly with a reason but without apologising. In that way, you are literally erecting a boundary between you and the aggressor: you keep the "dog" out.

If you agree with some of what the person said, then offer a way forward for the two of you, a workable compromise which caters to both the person's demands and your view. Use language of mutual respect with something like: "In this case, do you think it would be beneficial if we met up and went through the report together?" or "Would it be helpful if I had another pass now I have your comments". When you talk like that, you are both respectful of yourself and of the other person.

So there it is: a brief review of how to cope with aggression or criticism. I personally found it so helpful to learn how to get better at handling all difficult moments. Maybe you might too?

Alexandra works with ambitious and high-performing professionals in the financial services sector who are ready to accelerate their career.

As a Career Accelerator, Alexandra helps Directors/VPs, Executive Directors/SVPs, and MDs obtain the promotion they deserve, orchestrate an in-house move to a different group, succeed fast in a new role as well as get clear about their next job and how to find it.

Alexandra will share with you stories and insights from her gratifying but eventful 23-year career in banking, from Paris to the City of London via New York's Wall Street which you can use to accelerate your career!

Don't wait: check out Alexandra's free career acceleration tips at http://www.coachingforinspiration.com/career-tips/