Who has not had someone say something that has hurt their feelings? It happens to everyone at one time or another.

Sometimes it is obvious that the person who did it meant to do it and sometimes it is not. While some of us may know the difference immediately, many of us retreat to lick our wounds in private.

We question ourselves and wonder if we were just being "too sensitive". The sting of the hurtful comment stays with us and undermines our confidence.

We may also find that we try to avoid that person at all costs and if we can not, then we are very guarded around them. This is a condition called "insult then injury" and it is not pleasant.

Recognizing the difference between intentional and unintentional hurt

• Consider the source. Is this someone you have known for awhile or someone you have just met?
• Was the remark of a direct personal nature?
• Did this person target just you or were they hurtful to others as well?

Being able to determine the answers to these simple questions often clarifies how you are feeling. You may find that your hurt feelings are trying to tell you something about your self.

If the person who has hurt your feelings is a friend or someone you previously felt friendly towards, follow these simple steps and reclaim your inner strength.

• Take the high road. This means giving the hurtful person the benefit of the doubt.
• Address the source. This is best done one on one and in a neutral setting. Set aside a calm time to let this person know they were hurtful.
• Allow them to apologize. Chances are, this person did not truly mean to be hurtful and will welcome the chance to make things right.
• Be gracious but firm. If they do apologize, accept and move on.

On the other hand, if a person you do not know well or are friendly with hurts your feelings you will need to try a different approach.

• Is this someone you will ever see again? If not then let it go. Do not take any blame or judgment on your self.
• If it is someone you will see, say a co-worker or neighbor, then be cordial the next time you interact with them.
• Note how this person interacts with others. Some people are just negative and unhappy and observing this will allow you to accept that their behavior has nothing to do with you personally.
• Keep your contact with this person to a minimum.

Since you are a kind person it will take practice to know the difference between an intentionally hurtful person and someone who is just having a bad day. The important thing is that you do not allow this person to wound you a second time!

If another situation presents it and that person is hurtful again, stop right there and address it. Your heart may be pounding at the thought but remember most bullies will always move to a weaker target.

You have every right to calmly and politely ask the person what they mean by their hurtful remark and yes, you can do it in a group.

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