Many yearn to be in love after meeting someone. When you get together with someone you often think that life is fun, that you feel safe, affirmed and loved. Most of the time that's how it is. But it can also happen that you feel bad of being in a relationship, you feel your self-esteem shrinking instead of growing.

A relationship that provides control, oppression or violence is what's called a destructive relationship. Such love relationships are more common than many think. The most common is that girls are vulnerable and that there are guys who use violence. But there are also circumstances where the situation is reversed or even situations where girls are using violence against girls.

Of course, all relationships that a person feels bad in do not contain violence, but when you are in a relationship where there is violence, it may be difficult to realize and put into words what happens. There is never one's own fault that the person you are in love with is hurting you. Oppression, or pushing someone is not love.

Violence can be different things. But it's usually about a behavior that one person uses against another to suppress her or him and to have their way. Anyone who uses violence can use love as an explanation or excuse, for example, "It's just because I love you so much that I...". But something like this is never an expression of love. down another is never an expression of love, even if, and like all relationships do, starts out as a good relationship.

If you get called a "whore" or if someone treats you bad on a first date you would not want to see that person again. But relations that contain violence often begins like most love relationships, you're in love and attracted to each other. The other person seems like a nice guy or girl who makes you feel great. Only after a while the signs starts showing that the person is jealous and controlling.

In the beginning, many feel jealousy as a compliment or a sign of love. You might get all kinds of confirmation from the other person when you get together, but with time more and more criticism. First, perhaps you let it go and don't let it get to you, but after a while you begin to feel the criticism and it start's affecting your self-worth and self-esteem. In the end you can feel just as ugly, stupid or useless as you are told that you are. You adapt yourself and you do it more and more to make the other person accept you, and even if you some times say no it does not help. When violations are frequent, it makes it harder to see that they are wrong. Often, the person is connected to be nice and kind one moment, just to change and the next become malignant. Then it is easy to think that the good side in such a person is "deep down" and that if you just hold out or adapt, he or she will soon change, or get back to normal, like he or she was in the beginning.

Mental violence.

What is called mental abuse can be that you hear that you're ugly, stupid or worthless, that you get mocked or ridiculed for what you look like or how you are, or you may be called things like "pussy" or "gay ". It can also be psychological violence that the person you are connected to is jealous and constantly calling to check what you do or who you are talking to, or that he or she is reading one's email and messages. Psychological violence can also include threats or aggressive outbursts from one's partner, or that he or she threatens to harm himself or others if you break-up with him or her.

Psychological violence can also mean that you do not get to meet who you want to, or do what you want. It can lead to you loosing touch with your friends or family. It is often difficult to put into words what it is you are going through, but it is important to understand that psychological violence, can be equally offensive, and do just as much harm as, for example being beaten.

Physical violence.

Physical violence can many different sorts. It may be about being pushed, held, pinched, drawn by the hair, beaten or kicked. Physical violence in a relationship often happens time and time again, even if partner promise you it will never happen again. The use of violence against anyone or threatening to use force is illegal and no matter how wrong it feels to do, because it is your partner, it is something that should be reported to the police.

Sexual violence.

In many relationships, which include psychological or physical violence, sexual violence might also exist. Often it can be hard to see that you become a victim of sexual violence by someone you are dating. Sexual violence may be something like being pressured or tricked into sex that you do not want. Or that you do not dare to say no to sex because you are afraid of what will happen. If one is forced into sex, or if someone has sex with you when you sleep, for example, or is too drunk to protect yourself, it is rape. Most rapes actually takes place in relationships, but many are seldom reported to the police and in many cases it's because one might not even know, or understand that you have been raped.

When you are with someone who affect your self-esteem in a negative way, it is easy to start to feel guilty for what it is happening, like it is your fault. It is not uncommon that someone in a situation like this to start feeling that no one else would want you if you left, or ended the relationship. For the people around a person who is in a relationship like this it is important to try to help and try to get them to see and understand what is happening, it can be very difficult to see for yourself when you are in the middle of it. Try to talk to someone you can trust, or someone who is used to talk about relationships that are bad or contain violence.

There are always help to find, even if it feels like there isn't. Everybody is entitled to feel safe and should not have to be alone with the pains.

A relationship should make you feel good. Whether it is new or if you have been together for years, always make sure you are able to answer yes to these questions: Will I be respected for who I am? Can this relationship make me feel good?

Anyone can get into a relationship where you become a victim of violence. It is therefore important to try to see the warning signs that may indicate that the relationship is bad for you.

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